(No) Happy Endings

They follow me

Shadowing my existence in hope

That I will, one day

Let them swallow me whole

With a starving hunger.

How can you murder consciousness?

How can I rip this painful, soul destroying nuisance from my being?

I don’t think happy endings exist,

It’s all a lie.

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I fell too hard

I get more comfort from the bottle than I do from him and maybe it’s enough for most but I need more

I need more than the random texts, more than the odd day out, the special attention he only seems to give me when we’re both drunk

God, how did I let myself care so much? Being with him fucks with my head but I still can’t fathom the idea of being without him

I think I fell too hard.

Bare

Follow the motion my lips makes

As they fold out honest words

Into the universe for you to hear

And only you.

They’re not sweet like honey

But from them,

You have seen my bare nakedness

In ways very few have seen of me.

Every painful secret I have hid away for years

And years.

Perfectly preserved and saved to recite off

When the time became right,

When the person became right.

โ€œWhat are you thinking?โ€

“What are you thinking?”

He asks,

Daring to challenge my thoughts.

It’s funny,

I can’t answer that.

I don’t know what I’m thinking

And I wouldn’t say what I was thinking even if I do know.

Do people ever say what they really think anyway?

 

I look at him,

Smile brightly

“Just study, I swear”

And he nods, relieved,

Turning back to read his book about religion

While I continue to stare blankly

Into space.

 

 

Image retrieved from Pinterest, here.

The happiest meal

I will lie down,

Let the roots of the past destroy me

And wither away into the ground,

Allowing the earth to feed off my naked body

And eat the goodness of my flesh,

The happiest meal.

 

I don’t deserve to live here,

My bones, they belong to the world that gave them being.

They can disintegrate,

Becoming one with each other

And then you can walk

Along my eternal home.