Body Talk

Pretty much every girl hates something about their body. Honestly, I could work my way up my body and list off things I dislike about myself….

I don’t like my stumpy legs, they make me look fat and short in jeans. I don’t like my wide hips, they stick out compared to the rest of my body. I don’t like my flat bum. I don’t like my back and stomach, both are flabby and I always have a belly in tight fitted clothes. I don’t like my chicken wing arms and the way they always stand out in photos. I don’t like the way my boobs sag. I don’t like the layers of fat under my chin, I’m pretty sure I just have four chins. I don’t like my lips, they’re so small. I hate my nose with a passion, it’s so large it just takes up my face. I don’t like my skin and my reoccurring pimples that just refuse to go regardless of the fact I’m 22. I don’t like my eyebrows. And I don’t like how I always look large in photos.

I’m sure you can guess by now that I’m not skinny. I’m 5’7” and roughly around 12.3 stone, which according to a BMI scale means I’m overweight. I struggled a lot with my weight and size in the past couple of years; I was never fat growing up but when I hit puberty my body grew outwards before I grew upwards which made me pretty self conscious in my teens. Thankfully, my height eventually caught up with the rest of me by the time I was seventeen and luckily my body kind of fell into place. It was in college though that I started obsessing with my size. In my first month there I got tonsillitis which became a reoccurring illness over my three years in university (I only just got my tonsils out last December), it was after losing weight through tonsillitis that I began reducing my food intake. I suppose I enjoyed the compliments people gave me, every time I heard “Rachel, have you lost weight?” it went to my head and every time I could fit into a size 8 (UK) dress I felt like I finally achieved something. Over my first two years in university I regularly weighed myself to the point it almost became an obsession! In the second semester of second year I would limit myself to only one meal a day…. it became my goal to starve myself until I was allowed that one meal. Some days the meal was a cooked dinner, other days I would only eat 6 buttered crackers, if I ate more one day I’d eat less the next. I think my lowest was 9.8 stone and then I came home for summer and couldn’t avoid not eating living with my parents. I gained the weight I had lost pretty quickly after that and it took me a long time to get over it, two years later and I’m still not completely over it! 

Weight loss can go to your head pretty quickly. I loved hearing compliments, I loved having a flatter stomach, I loved how I looked and felt in clothes but realistically I wasn’t being healthy and I knew I wasn’t being healthy! I could probably do with losing a stone, just to fall back into that healthy BMI level but I feel like this time I should go the healthier route. I don’t love my body but rather than punish it I’m trying to learn to accept it (even my nose!!) ✌️️❤️