Friday Writing

It’s been awhile since I actually just sat down and wrote something that wasn’t a poem, so I’ve decided that today, on this lovely Friday, that I’m going to just write.

I’ve had a weird week, not a bad week, just very weird. It’s been one of those weeks that you kind of don’t imagine really happening to you, ever. I’m not going to go into too much detail because I don’t feel like it’s fair but it regards old friends and a whole mixture of emotions but it’s not bad, it’s actually probably good in a way. I’m happy about it mostly, I feel like it’ll put closure to a chapter that’s been left open for years and I feel like it’s a good time to do that. It’s funny because although, I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation (sorry for it sounding so ambiguous) and have felt a lot of emotions, especially Wednesday evening, I’ve also had a very clear head and feel I can grasp everything well in this regard. I’ve woke up today feeling very settled about everything and happy that things can be left in a good place with this friend. Closure is good for everyone!

I had a job interview last Friday which went well, I think. My current contract is finishing up very, very soon, so I’m on the hunt for something else now. I’m hoping to get another library position so I can keep building up my resumΓ© but there seems to be very little relevant jobs advertised at the moment in this line so I might need to find administrative work in the meantime if nothing comes up, I hope I get the job from Friday though!

Also, I got my results from semester one two weeks ago. I didn’t do well in my undergraduate degree at all, there was a whole lot of different messes in my life that just murdered any sort of motivation I had and my results suffered dramatically. However, I’m currently studying towards my MA in Librarian & Information Studies and I’m loving it. I got a 3.2 GPA in my first semester which is beyond what I thought I was ever capable of and I also got a first class honours in one of my modules, I never, EVER, got a 1.1 before so as you can imagine, I was ecstatic!!! It’s given me so much confidence in myself and I actually see myself achieving something.

For anyone that reads my poems (or poetry-like-rambles as I call them), do you enjoy what you’re reading? I’m a little bit conflicted if they’re actually any good to be honest. I like writing them but I feel like some sound/look a little crap and I’m not sure will I just delete a few from my site? I never wrote poetry really until last year and I kind of feel like some look a little same-y and depressing (nothing wrong with a depressing poem but I feel like mine are whingy). I’d love a little advice and just tell me what you think?

Anyway, that’s basically my little life update. Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

 

 

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Searching for happiness

I’ve been trying to make some significant decisions recently for my future and the constant questions I keep coming back to is “but will I be happy?”, “will this make me happy?”, “what if I’m unhappy?” and to be honest, it’s making life stressful. I’m constantly searching for this idea of ‘happiness’, this idea that I’ll be totally content with life that I’d never be hoping for my situation to change and for things to get better; however, I don’t know what happiness is to search for it! I’ve been in full time education and lived independently, at present I’m living with my family and working full time, in both of these situations I never felt content. I constantly feel like I’m missing out on something, like there’s something more life can offer me but I don’t really know what it is or what I need to give me this satisfaction.

I’m twenty-two years old and I already feel bored with life. Possibly, I have another fifty, sixty or more years left to experience but shouldn’t I be experiencing the prime of my life right now? If our youth is the best years of our lives then I’m unenthusiastic for the future; and while that might sound very pessimistic of me, I just don’t know how to find this ideal, happy life I really want. I’m constantly trying to fill this empty feeling by attending events and getting involved. I go on nights out with friends pretty much every weekend, I go to concerts of musicians and bands I love, I go on holidays with my family, and while I enjoy all these things I always feel like there’s something missing, like I can’t enjoy anything 100%.

Perhaps, it’s impossible for me to feel happy or maybe ‘happiness’ doesn’t really exist and I’m foolish in believing other people are happy. I’m just scared, scared that at twenty-two I already feel dissatisfied with everything and disappointed that there’s not more to being alive than just merely existing. In September, I can either return to further my education or look for a new full time job waitressing. In the long run, returning to education is probably the wisest; however, I don’t know can I handle the pressure of studying again. If I continue waitressing full time then money will become an issue. Either way I won’t be content. For now I’ll just continue floating along until things fall into place but in the meantime, if anyone knows what happiness is or where I can find it let me know πŸ™‚