I don’t like saying goodbyes.
I’ve come to realise in the last few years that goodbyes usually mean things are never going to be the same again. Like leaving school for the last time, or finishing college, or even moving to a new place of employment…. every time you move onto a new chapter you leave people and memories behind in the last chapter. In hindsight every time I say goodbye to a place I’m realistically saying goodbye to friendships. Of course you plan on staying in touch but from seeing these people everyday to rarely seeing them at all it becomes hard to maintain that same level of friendship; eventually things fizzle out.
In recent years, friendships scare me, possibly because it takes so long to properly build a bond with someone that by the time you become close it’s almost time to say goodbye. I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the last few years; I’ve jumped from chapter to chapter that now it’s become difficult to keep track of old friends. In September I begin a brand new chapter which sadly means having to say goodbye to friends and accept the fact, once again, that several of these people I love and adore will soon become people I share memories with but will eventually lose touch with. I’m terrified of starting again, of finding new people to bond with and create memories with just to once again lose touch with further down the line. Life is messy but I guess if we all just stayed in one place we’d get bored of people!!!
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”
~ Winnie The Pooh
I’ve been trying to make some significant decisions recently for my future and the constant questions I keep coming back to is “but will I be happy?”, “will this make me happy?”, “what if I’m unhappy?” and to be honest, it’s making life stressful. I’m constantly searching for this idea of ‘happiness’, this idea that I’ll be totally content with life that I’d never be hoping for my situation to change and for things to get better; however, I don’t know what happiness is to search for it! I’ve been in full time education and lived independently, at present I’m living with my family and working full time, in both of these situations I never felt content. I constantly feel like I’m missing out on something, like there’s something more life can offer me but I don’t really know what it is or what I need to give me this satisfaction.
I’m twenty-two years old and I already feel bored with life. Possibly, I have another fifty, sixty or more years left to experience but shouldn’t I be experiencing the prime of my life right now? If our youth is the best years of our lives then I’m unenthusiastic for the future; and while that might sound very pessimistic of me, I just don’t know how to find this ideal, happy life I really want. I’m constantly trying to fill this empty feeling by attending events and getting involved. I go on nights out with friends pretty much every weekend, I go to concerts of musicians and bands I love, I go on holidays with my family, and while I enjoy all these things I always feel like there’s something missing, like I can’t enjoy anything 100%.
Perhaps, it’s impossible for me to feel happy or maybe ‘happiness’ doesn’t really exist and I’m foolish in believing other people are happy. I’m just scared, scared that at twenty-two I already feel dissatisfied with everything and disappointed that there’s not more to being alive than just merely existing. In September, I can either return to further my education or look for a new full time job waitressing. In the long run, returning to education is probably the wisest; however, I don’t know can I handle the pressure of studying again. If I continue waitressing full time then money will become an issue. Either way I won’t be content. For now I’ll just continue floating along until things fall into place but in the meantime, if anyone knows what happiness is or where I can find it let me know 🙂