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I’m not magnificentΒ 

I know I spoke about it before but ‘Holocene’, God, I love that song so much. In my post ‘Thoughts from a coffee shop’ I discussed the whole idea of finding the significance in the insignificance which I think is the whole concept behind the song. I kind of discussed finding significance in nature and during the small little moments in life but I never really went into dept about the whole song.

‘Holocene’ is my song. If I was to pick one song, just ONE, SINGLE SONG, to listen to for my whole life on repeat, it would be this song. There’s so many ways to interprete it to be honest. I love the idea that there’s significance in even the smallest of things, like riding your bike on a nice day or a simple hug from a friend, I love these small little things and appreciate them so much. However, there’s so much more to the song… So much more!! 

Justin Vernon pretty much explained the song as realising “you’re special and not special at the same time”. It’s the idea that as people on earth we’re actually part of something so much bigger which makes us special but we’re equally not that special. I also love the music video for the song; it clearly shows how much bigger the world and its beauty is around us, that we’re only small fragments of this beautiful world. 


This song blows my mind. It constantly makes me feel and think and I could easily listen to it over and over! In all honesty, it’s been my favourite song since I was about eighteen but it’s really only in the past year or so I started thinking about the meaning of the song more. I’m very passionate about it as you can probably tell! I also love how people can interprete the song in so many ways and learn from it too. It’s an amazing song, I strongly recommend everyone to listen to it if you haven’t already! 

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Thoughts from a coffee shop

I don’t know what it is about coffee shops that just always influence my thoughts positively. I’m currently sitting, alone, in Insomnia (drinking a chai latte because they’re my favourites) just watching the world go by. I’ve had a long, few hours of lectures; it’s raining, cold but I’m really enjoying this little ‘me-time’…

I’m an introvert. I really enjoy my own company, I could easily spend a whole day on my own but a few days on my own and I do get rather lonely. I think everyone needs a little human interaction now and again regardless of being introverted. I feel really comfortable in public spaces where I can listen to my music, watch people around me and just think to myself about life. My favourite song is called ‘Holocene‘ by a band named Bon Iver, it’s definitely the kind of song that really makes you think and feel. I suppose, I love it because of its message to find the significance in the insignificance around you, interprete that as you will. 

 I have two very different views of the song. Firstly, I love to think that anyone can find meaning in the little things around them; that you can discover the significance of seemingly insignificant things. I’m sitting here in a coffee shop and yes, it’s not exciting but it’s warm and I feel very content in my own space. There’s significance in me having this little time alone, I don’t need to fill everyday with adventures and with friends because life can be good without constant excitement! Then, on the other hand, I like the idea of finding the significance of nature around me. Wildflowers are beautiful but people seem to pass by them so easily, not even stopping to consider how gorgeous they are. 


I’m from the countryside, there’s a lot of animals, trees, etc… I love going for walks near my house and seeing and hearing the little things around me. There’s a lot of things people easily overlook, they never take notice of the simply beautiful pieces of nature around us. Again, there’s significance in these seemingly insignificant parts of the world!

It’s obvious how much tiny little moments or things are overlooked when you finally stop to think about it. Spend a little time to yourself and find the significance in the insignificant, find your coffee shop on a rainy day or your buttercup in a field of grass!! 

Inspire me!

I’m trying to put a little more commitment into my blog now as I’m no longer working full time and I feel like I’ll enjoy the opportunity to put my thoughts to paper (or to blog post) a little more! If I can try to post weekly or as near to it as possible I’ll be very, very happy. So if you’re reading this and would like to throw a few ideas my way, please do πŸ™‚

I like to be inspired because a lot of the time I struggle to come up with something I actually want to talk about! So if you want to hear about a topic from me, a very, unexciting, twenty-two year old throw them my way or if you want to hear more from me about something I’ve discussed already just let me know!? 

Thanks πŸ™‚

Another Chapter Begins!

This post is a little over due but you’ll see that I’ve been busy as you read on!! A lot has happened these past two months. Firstly, I quit my waitressing job, which, for me, wasn’t an easy decision. I didn’t particularly love the job itself but I loved the people I worked with, who I consider some of my closest friends now. I suppose I also liked the familiarity but I knew I couldn’t stay in that job forever. Secondly, I went to Portugal for two weeks. A well needed holiday with my family to rest before the final big change in my life. Two weeks ago, I moved to Dublin to begin a postgraduate degree in University College Dublin. So far I’m really enjoying the course, which is something I never, really, experienced in my undergraduate degree.

Honestly, I kind of feel, for the first time in a very long time, that things are finally falling into place. I know it’s strange but I think I’d forgotten what it’s like to be genuinely excited for change. Recently, I feel like I’m actually on the path towards something in life, while prior to this I was pretty much floating along, not really sure where I was going or what I was doing. I never enjoyed university when I was studying my undergraduate degree, I didn’t like the class sizes, I felt very lonely, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do afterwards. I decided to work as a waitress for a year afterwards and I lived at home with my parents. I loved the support network but I had zero independence and felt like I wasn’t moving forward with my life. In many ways, I gave up. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted and I was scared of taking a chance. I was so terrified of moving on with my life because I thought I’d struggle the same way I did in my undergrad, I felt I needed the support of the people at home! While I knew this was the course I wanted to do it still petrified me to start somewhere new, little did I know I’d end up loving it! On top of all this, only a few days after moving to Dublin, I got offered an amazing job which is so beneficial to my future career goals. I finally have a little luck on my side, I really needed it!!

I guess the main thing I’ve learnt recently is that things, genuinely, do work out even when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom! Even when you feel like your life isn’t where you want or need it to be just keep pushing on and something will come your way. Oh, and never be afraid to take chances and move away from familiarity… sometimes, it’s all for the best!!

Heidi

Growing up I was always a cat person. We’ve always had cats and dogs around the house but I definitely preferred cats over dogs. They’re smaller, easier to cuddle and their purrs always make me sleepy but then we got Heidi. I can honestly tell you I have never loved an animal the way I love her! I became a Heidi person from the moment I met her.


Last August my sisters suggested getting a puppy between us. Since we were children we’ve always had several dogs around our home; however, all these dogs (excluding a boxer my brother once owned) have been gun dogs, primarily springer spaniels. My father and brother both hunt game birds so these dogs, although definitely part of the family and loved, were never really pets. My sisters wanted a dog that we could allow indoors and bring to the groomers and basically, spoil! When we spotted Heidi in a photo amongst her siblings we knew we wanted her. She’s a mixed breed and to be honest, we couldn’t 100% tell you what mixture of breeds she is, although we’re pretty sure her mother was a mix between a Spaniel and Jack Russel. She stood out in that photo though, her siblings looked more similar to Jack Russells, Heidi looked like she belonged to a different litter!!

Heidi is possibly one of the most spoilt dogs you could ever meet and I’m pretty certain she knows she’s spoilt. She loves ham but hates chicken, she’s fond of socks and will happily throw her toys aside in favour of them, she refuses to be outside in the rain and absolutely adores tummy rubs. She is my best friend, she’s the only one that can make me smile when I’m down and is always a great motivation for exercise (because I would never get out for a walk before she arrived).

On Tuesday, it’ll be officially one year since we bought Heidi and €50 is definitely not enough for the amount of love and happiness she has given us in that time! Couldn’t imagine a life without her now!!

Body Talk

Pretty much every girl hates something about their body. Honestly, I could work my way up my body and list off things I dislike about myself….
 

I don’t like my stumpy legs, they make me look fat and short in jeans. I don’t like my wide hips, they stick out compared to the rest of my body. I don’t like my flat bum. I don’t like my back and stomach, both are flabby and I always have a belly in tight fitted clothes. I don’t like my chicken wing arms and the way they always stand out in photos. I don’t like the way my boobs sag. I don’t like the layers of fat under my chin, I’m pretty sure I just have four chins. I don’t like my lips, they’re so small. I hate my nose with a passion, it’s so large it just takes up my face. I don’t like my skin and my reoccurring pimples that just refuse to go regardless of the fact I’m 22. I don’t like my eyebrows. And I don’t like how I always look large in photos.


I’m sure you can guess by now that I’m not skinny. I’m 5’7” and roughly around 12.3 stone, which according to a BMI scale means I’m overweight. I struggled a lot with my weight and size in the past couple of years; I was never fat growing up but when I hit puberty my body grew outwards before I grew upwards which made me pretty self conscious in my teens. Thankfully, my height eventually caught up with the rest of me by the time I was seventeen and luckily my body kind of fell into place. It was in college though that I started obsessing with my size. In my first month there I got tonsillitis which became a reoccurring illness over my three years in university (I only just got my tonsils out last December), it was after losing weight through tonsillitis that I began reducing my food intake. I suppose I enjoyed the compliments people gave me, every time I heard “Rachel, have you lost weight?” it went to my head and every time I could fit into a size 8 (UK) dress I felt like I finally achieved something. Over my first two years in university I regularly weighed myself to the point it almost became an obsession! In the second semester of second year I would limit myself to only one meal a day…. it became my goal to starve myself until I was allowed that one meal. Some days the meal was a cooked dinner, other days I would only eat 6 buttered crackers, if I ate more one day I’d eat less the next. I think my lowest was 9.8 stone and then I came home for summer and couldn’t avoid not eating living with my parents. I gained the weight I had lost pretty quickly after that and it took me a long time to get over it, two years later and I’m still not completely over it! 

Weight loss can go to your head pretty quickly. I loved hearing compliments, I loved having a flatter stomach, I loved how I looked and felt in clothes but realistically I wasn’t being healthy and I knew I wasn’t being healthy! I could probably do with losing a stone, just to fall back into that healthy BMI level but I feel like this time I should go the healthier route. I don’t love my body but rather than punish it I’m trying to learn to accept it (even my nose!!) ✌️️❀️ 

Feelings towards God

I am not religious. I was baptised Catholic, I occasionally go to mass but I am not religious.

I think if my mother read that above statement she wouldn’t speak to me for a year! She’s not the most religious person you’d ever meet but she’s very much certain of her faith and likes to go to mass and pray whenever possible. Growing up we were always encouraged to go to mass frequently and it’s very much part of my childhood in a way but I never really felt attached to God. How can I feel love for something I can’t be certain exists? 

“Religion doesn’t make you a better person, intelligence and kindness does. Religion doesn’t feed the poor, good people with big hearts do that. Just remember that….” 

~ Don Freeman.

So I don’t have a religion but I do have faith in fate. I don’t need a God to map out my life for me and to guide me in the right direction because I know life will work out regardlessly and I’ll end up where I need to be. There’s good people and bad people in every walk of life, every religion, race, and background. I’m okay with having no God, I learn from life! I’m not perfect but I try to be kind and compassionate and caring, I don’t need a God to tell me to be those things!! 

Goodbyes.

I don’t like saying goodbyes.

I’ve come to realise in the last few years that goodbyes usually mean things are never going to be the same again. Like leaving school for the last time, or finishing college, or even moving to a new place of employment…. every time you move onto a new chapter you leave people and memories behind in the last chapter. In hindsight every time I say goodbye to a place I’m realistically saying goodbye to friendships. Of course you plan on staying in touch but from seeing these people everyday to rarely seeing them at all it becomes hard to maintain that same level of friendship; eventually things fizzle out.

In recent years, friendships scare me, possibly because it takes so long to properly build a bond with someone that by the time you become close it’s almost time to say goodbye. I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the last few years; I’ve jumped from chapter to chapter that now it’s become difficult to keep track of old friends. In September I begin a brand new chapter which sadly means having to say goodbye to friends and accept the fact, once again, that several of these people I love and adore will soon become people I share memories with but will eventually lose touch with. I’m terrified of starting again, of finding new people to bond with and create memories with just to once again lose touch with further down the line. Life is messy but I guess if we all just stayed in one place we’d get bored of people!!!

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”

 ~ Winnie The Pooh 

Searching for happiness

I’ve been trying to make some significant decisions recently for my future and the constant questions I keep coming back to is “but will I be happy?”, “will this make me happy?”, “what if I’m unhappy?” and to be honest, it’s making life stressful. I’m constantly searching for this idea of ‘happiness’, this idea that I’ll be totally content with life that I’d never be hoping for my situation to change and for things to get better; however, I don’t know what happiness is to search for it! I’ve been in full time education and lived independently, at present I’m living with my family and working full time, in both of these situations I never felt content. I constantly feel like I’m missing out on something, like there’s something more life can offer me but I don’t really know what it is or what I need to give me this satisfaction.

I’m twenty-two years old and I already feel bored with life. Possibly, I have another fifty, sixty or more years left to experience but shouldn’t I be experiencing the prime of my life right now? If our youth is the best years of our lives then I’m unenthusiastic for the future; and while that might sound very pessimistic of me, I just don’t know how to find this ideal, happy life I really want. I’m constantly trying to fill this empty feeling by attending events and getting involved. I go on nights out with friends pretty much every weekend, I go to concerts of musicians and bands I love, I go on holidays with my family, and while I enjoy all these things I always feel like there’s something missing, like I can’t enjoy anything 100%.

Perhaps, it’s impossible for me to feel happy or maybe ‘happiness’ doesn’t really exist and I’m foolish in believing other people are happy. I’m just scared, scared that at twenty-two I already feel dissatisfied with everything and disappointed that there’s not more to being alive than just merely existing. In September, I can either return to further my education or look for a new full time job waitressing. In the long run, returning to education is probably the wisest; however, I don’t know can I handle the pressure of studying again. If I continue waitressing full time then money will become an issue. Either way I won’t be content. For now I’ll just continue floating along until things fall into place but in the meantime, if anyone knows what happiness is or where I can find it let me know πŸ™‚