An Explanation

It’s not about advice or expecting help, I don’t expect anyone to try ‘fix me’ and I’m not looking to be fixed either… I don’t need to be fixed because I am alright. Whether you believe me or not, I am actually okay.

It’s about venting. Not bottling things up because these feelings and thoughts do matter so they should be expressed. Some people don’t understand that though, they think you’re expecting them to advise you and hate you for giving them your troubles. Listen. That’s all I need from you and maybe a hug.

So, it’s easier to write about feelings. I need to let them out somehow, put them into words so they’re not stuck inside my head. Let strangers read them instead.

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Employed Again (Kind Of…)

I’ve now been unemployed for six weeks. My mood has shifted a lot over the past six weeks but today, at least, I’ve been feeling alright. On Wednesday, I’m finally starting a new job again, sticking security tags on books in another library. It’s only a temporary, casual, position but it’ll allow me to earn a little money for any gifts this Christmas, so I’m delighted. I’m mostly happy that I’ll be keeping busy again. The mind is a funny thing and I know that, since I’ve been out of work, I’ve been feeling very down in the dumps. I think I’ve been living in the dumps, to be honest. I’ve been out of routine, going to bed at ridiculous hours and sleeping until midday, I’m lacking motivation to do anything, and I’ve been stressing about silly things that shouldn’t matter. Some days (like today), I feel okay but there’s been days I’ve had to force myself to get dressed in the morning.

Thankfully, this week is a busy week for me. After my “Training Day” this Wednesday, I’m travelling to Liverpool on Thursday for a few nights away with my friends. We actually booked this holiday in September, when I still working in my previous job, so I was a little worried about spending any money I had saved until now. I’ve avoided most events I’ve been invited to just so I’d have money to spend on this trip, thankfully, it has paid off!! This will also be my first holiday away with my friends. There’s six of us going, so it should be a nice break away and also something new. The job that I’m starting is actually commission based and I can work around my own schedule, this works in my favour as I also have a wedding and my graduation to attend over the next few weeks, so I don’t need to worry about booking too many days off.

My graduation is the beginning of December. I received my results two weeks ago and unfortunately, just missed out on that 2.1 by the tiniest amount. I’m still so proud of myself though and delighted with the results, there was a few subjects that I did a lot better than I expected to in. I received a 1.1 in my Research Data Management module, which I personally felt I did poorly in as I didn’t completely understand the guidelines given to us about our final assignment. I’m looking forward to my graduation now and seeing everyone again from my class; although, I’m still not sure what I’m wearing!!

That’s it really. I just felt like giving a little life update as I enjoy doing these from time to time and I was in a nice mood today. I’ve applied to a number of permanent, library positions recently, the hiring process often takes awhile in these jobs though, so I’m hoping that in the early New Year there should be some movement with these. I’ve also been looking into the option of emigrating to Canada if these jobs don’t work out; primarily, as I have a few close friends now living there. Until then, I’m thankful I have this new job to keep me occupied.

 

Coffee

coffee 2

 


 

coffee in the morning by the luas tracks

waiting for the tram to stop full of people not

speaking to each other perhaps thinking to themselves about

another day of work another day of school another day of nothing

having to pile into carriages

like jigsaw pieces being forced together

squeezing into empty spaces getting hugs from so many strangers

but these trams they smell of loneliness

alcohol

cigarettes

lukewarm coffee

another day with different people

yet we’re all the same

 

we’re all lonely.

10 Things I’m Grateful For

As stated is my previous post, I’m a very negative person when it comes to life. I’m that the glass is half empty kind of girl and I’m constantly moaning about how tough my life is without stopping to smell the roses.

My friend, Thomas, recently encouraged me to start writing a daily list of 10 things I’m grateful for as a way of appreciating all the good factors of my life. I’m not going to post these daily but I’ll start with day one, they won’t vary too much for this.

  1. Definitely, my family. I’m lucky to have been brought up in a two parent home with 3 siblings who I believe I’m close to. I can talk to my Mom about near to anything, my Dad and brother make me laugh but are also caring and understanding, and I could stay up all night talking to my sisters about even the most bizarre topics.
  2. I have a large group of friends who are there for me when times are tough and can provide brilliant advice when needed.
  3. I need to be more grateful that I’ve never had any, severe, health issues.
  4. My lovely dog, Heidi,who has been more like a therapy dog to everyone in our family at some point in our lives. She gives the best cuddles.
  5. My two university Degrees. I’m extremely proud of surviving four years of studying and assignments, and completing both my BA and MA degrees.
  6. I have seven years of Job Experience behind me, with my two previous jobs being in my field of Library & Information Services.
  7. Being able to Read/Write when there are individuals around the world who have never been presented the opportunity to learn this basic right, especially young girls in third world countries.
  8. I’m extremely proud of the fact I’m Irish and live in this beautiful country that has amazing opportunities and is continuing to grow and adapt to the needs of modern society.
  9. That I’m financially able to experience new things and travel to new places. I’m travelling to Liverpool next month with five of my friends and I’ve attended an abundance of concerts. I should appreciate that I can afford these experiences and any future experiences I may happen.
  10. Finally, life in general. To be here and existing.

Holes

I’ve fallen into a rut again. I’m sorry for my regular whining and negativity in my posts; however, I think one of the main reasons I started this blog was because I needed a place to express my feelings including the good, bad and ugly of that!

My contract recently ended in the library I’ve been working in over the past few months. I knew it was going to happen eventually but I was trying not to think about it and held onto a false hope that they would just keep me (which they never could anyway for other reasons). I’ve been struggling to find a job since finishing. I think I’ve applied to near to 40 jobs and I’ve only had one interview since then that went very poorly (Who goes into a job interview and starts panicking mid interview??). However, most of these jobs have been outside my field as I’m hoping to find something closer to home for now. I’m just struggling. It’s been really disheartening and it’s clearly been negatively effecting my mental health which is something I keep trying to improve. I’ve referred to my mental health, in the past, as being like a hole. Sometimes, I’m fine and no where near this hole but other times, I find myself falling into it without warning. Occasionally, I’ll find a way to climb out but there’s been times that I just feel stuck and no matter how hard I try, there’s no way out and the hole just feels to be deeper and deeper with no escape… Eventually, I’ll pull myself out of it but this has taken days, weeks or months at times.

I enjoy spending time alone but I do find it tough staying at home all day with little to do but read, cook/clean, apply for jobs and watch TV (and I don’t consider myself a huge TV person). However, I was chatting to a close friend of mine today who was in a similar situation last year but emigrated to Canada over the summer. He’s been very motivating and suggested doing a list of 10 things I’m thankful for everyday to try stay positive and also do a goals list for the next year. I’m thinking of starting this tomorrow and see if it helps!!

Anyway, I apologize for the negativity of the large majority of my posts. It’s 2:14am here and we’re currently experiencing a red warning storm so I’m struggling to sleep, and I felt the need to get this off my chest instead.

Sunken Green

A faded yellow

A worn happiness that once lit the room

Peeling away to show black and blue

Hanging in vivid circles underneath

A sunken green

That stares blankly into night

Unalarmed by the flickers of red, orange, black that gather around him

Better than the grey numbness

He thinks

Until, smoke fills him

Choking, gasping

He hits a silver fir

Sees only black

Then white

Finally, nothing.