Searching for happiness

I’ve been trying to make some significant decisions recently for my future and the constant questions I keep coming back to is “but will I be happy?”, “will this make me happy?”, “what if I’m unhappy?” and to be honest, it’s making life stressful. I’m constantly searching for this idea of ‘happiness’, this idea that I’ll be totally content with life that I’d never be hoping for my situation to change and for things to get better; however, I don’t know what happiness is to search for it! I’ve been in full time education and lived independently, at present I’m living with my family and working full time, in both of these situations I never felt content. I constantly feel like I’m missing out on something, like there’s something more life can offer me but I don’t really know what it is or what I need to give me this satisfaction.

I’m twenty-two years old and I already feel bored with life. Possibly, I have another fifty, sixty or more years left to experience but shouldn’t I be experiencing the prime of my life right now? If our youth is the best years of our lives then I’m unenthusiastic for the future; and while that might sound very pessimistic of me, I just don’t know how to find this ideal, happy life I really want. I’m constantly trying to fill this empty feeling by attending events and getting involved. I go on nights out with friends pretty much every weekend, I go to concerts of musicians and bands I love, I go on holidays with my family, and while I enjoy all these things I always feel like there’s something missing, like I can’t enjoy anything 100%.

Perhaps, it’s impossible for me to feel happy or maybe ‘happiness’ doesn’t really exist and I’m foolish in believing other people are happy. I’m just scared, scared that at twenty-two I already feel dissatisfied with everything and disappointed that there’s not more to being alive than just merely existing. In September, I can either return to further my education or look for a new full time job waitressing. In the long run, returning to education is probably the wisest; however, I don’t know can I handle the pressure of studying again. If I continue waitressing full time then money will become an issue. Either way I won’t be content. For now I’ll just continue floating along until things fall into place but in the meantime, if anyone knows what happiness is or where I can find it let me know 🙂

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